Two

                        Daily Intake:

½ cup of almond milk (in coffee throughout the day) = 20

Spoon of hot chocolate powder in coffee= 50

Two soda crackers = 30

½ apple + a handful of grapes= 100

Salad w/ broccoli, raw purple cabbage and ¼ cup of chickpeas=200

Banana= 100

                           Total = 500

(done eating at 5:30pm)

Exercise: One hour of power walking

Oh and I was on my feet running from place to place for 8 hours at the diner I work.

I am an art student by weekday, and sever by weekend.

-Eva

Peanut Butter might as well be the Devil, and this is Day One

                  

         Peanut butter is an evil thing. You tell yourself just a little won’t hurt, just a little taste thinly spread on an apple slice; nothing bad could come of that. Then its creamy beckon gets a little louder and out comes the spoon, straight from the jar, but its only one spoonful nothing you can’t fix later, but it’s too late, its sticky grip has already lead you into its nightmare trap. From there it’s spoonful after spoonful until you realize you might as well put the jar’s contents in a bowl and call it soup, then you finally stop and look into the jar; a quarter gone, maybe more (one horrible day I actually ate half a jar at once).

         This morning was almost one of those, almost lost to peanut butter quicksand, but I stopped it cold at two spoons, which is good because today is day one and I’m already at 450 (10 almonds, ½ apple + two spoonful’s of the devil’s butter), I cannot go past 550.

       I have spent the better part of my morning sorting through and dividing all of my old jeans into piles, five piles, five goal piles…

                GOALS:

Goal One- Saturday November 09: Stretchy/ forgiving size 26(US 4/UK 8) jeans
Goal Two- Saturday November 16: non-stretchy/non-forgiving size 26(US 4/UK 8) jeans
Goal Three- Saturday November 30: Tight-fitting size 25(US 2/UK 7) and lose-fitting size 24 (US 1/ UK 6) jeans
Goal Four- Saturday December 14: True size 24 (US 0/ UK 6) jeans

Goal Five- Saturday December 21: Tight-fitting size 24 (US 0/ UK 6) jeans

   It’s been about a year-long “experiment” exploring something I’m not. Curvy is beautiful, but it’s not my style. I gave it a shot, it’s not for me.

 

-Eva

A needed update

First let me say my absence was longer than expected, that is for sure. It was a big move and I was without internet access for a couple of weeks. As happens with most moves, there was a lot of re-adjustment and I am still figuring out all these pieces of daily life and routine and putting them into some sort of order, or place at least. I have lived here before so things are falling into place more easily than they would have been if that had not been the case and I had no connections.

As far as eating things have been up and down. I did not successfully follow through with the lemonade cleanse, concealing the evidence of the cleanse while traveling next to someone in a car proved to be difficult, too difficult. However I have started the cleanse today. In this city I feel a renewed sense of determination.

There has not been much food in the new house between me and my new roomie, and no junk, which is ideal. However I don’t feel I have not been that restrictive with the little food we do have in house. And I was drinking quite a bit of wine the first week here, with so little food in the house there really is not that much of an opportunity to binge, but I did end up scarfing down a cinnamon bun I bought for my roommate in a state of tipsiness. All the more reason to Cleanse big. I feel the need to re-create and establish structure and solid regime. I fit into my old pants which is a start gives me something to hold onto at least, but they are tight and they were loose, quite loose last summer. I have set a date for a weigh-in: Tuesday April 30^th. I know that is a little ways away, but it gives me just enough time to lose a chunk if I focus and not enough time to hesitate or delay.

I am currently catching up on all of your blogs, and I will be much more consistent now. I hope you are all well!

 

-Eva

not supposed to happen

         Last night was my last shift serving at my job before I move away. I was not intending nor planning on it, but afterwards I had drinks with some particularly lovely co-workers, I had too many. Last night I got drunk and I messed up. I really messed up.

  As a rule I do not drink. I don’t for a couple of reasons: for one the added intake (not to mention sugar) is just awful and secondly and most importantly because when I get drunk I binge. I binge badly and not normally (if there is a “normal” way to binge) something happens and binge without being at all aware of what’s happening or what I’m doing. When I wake up usually an utter mess- as almost ANY liquor completely devastates my body. I feel full and filled with absolute dread with what I’ve done. As I do not remember what or how much I shovelled my mouth with in my state of drunken blindness, I have to put the pieces together by discovering the chip crumbs on the counter, the once half-full yogurt carton in the sink (not fat-free and definitely not sugar-free), a wrapper from a cheese stick, the empty bag of goldfish crackers in the garbage (I have no idea how many were left)…

That was not supposed to happen.

 I’m driving with my new roommate and my mother the day after tomorrow, the day after tomorrow is moving day- I’ve set myself back so much. Repulsive. Is perhaps the most accurate way to sum up my state of mind. Drowning in self-made sea of repulse. That was not supposed to happen.

I have been making the transition from a mostly vegan diet I’ve followed for years to a completely stern vegan one, but my drunk-self clearly didn’t remember the rules.

 I need something very strict, to get me out of this place. I plan on starting the master cleanse tomorrow- one with very controlled maple syrup consumption (I am driving out in my mother’s car and she will be driving, therefore It will not matter if I am less alert or awake due to the cleanse). I tend to struggle with the idea of taking in maple syrup like that, but it has worked for me before- I lose and fast too. It also seems a total body cleanse is a good idea right now, as I plan to go back to my diet I slipped out of this past winter, that being vegan and absolutely no processed foods of any kind.  

I have definitely not taken out my scale, but I did I take my measurements today, and to my dismay they were slightly larger than the last time I took them (which was on the last cleanse I did). I will list them here:

 

Bust: 34”

Waist: 25”

Hips: 31.5”

Thigh: 19.5”

This is not OK. I need to lose straight and fast.

Dear followers,

The support you have given me even thus far in is something amazing, something I appreciate so much. I look forward to showing you the same support on all of your own journeys.

 

-Eva

bone road

Now it’s back to the grind.

   This winter was like non other, a complete rational devastation. As if a thick un-moveable mental fog rolled in; a dense greasy fog with an unforgivable grip. A haze of delusion, the delusion that food, and not just food but chips, bread, juice, sweets, cheese, flavored yogurt and peanut butter (pure evil in a glass gar) were O.K. Ok? … OK if you’d like to gain TEN pounds- and that is sadly, just what happened. So now I am around eight pounds heavier (as I have lost a few of those pounds in the last couple of weeks) then I was last summer and about fifteen pounds from where I’d like to be- and then we'll see, maybe I'll lose more, but that is my aim right now; lose fifteen pounds. I’m making educated guesses as I refuse to weigh myself until I know I’ve lost a good chunk of weight. I am in the process of a big move, a move to a new house, a new roommate, a new city, and a province over, and cannot afford potentially wasted time spent in the hospital on account  of a panic attack or hiding in bed wanting nothing more than to die as a result of a weigh-in right now. I will set a weigh-in date down the road…

-This was a dramatic post, I am not always this dramatic (I just needed to pound this into my head, make it click) – I really find level-headed is the best way to go about restricting in Karolina’s (Lina be 93)* words:

 “Lose weight straight and fast, unapologetically, unthinkingly.”   

 

This is exactly what will be done. Lose weight straight and fast. Straight and fast, unthinkingly.

Back to the grind, back down bone road.  

 

*I find endless inspiration from this blog and although she has not recently posted (I hope she is well) I still visit her blog if I’m in need to sum-up some strength and or grow- a-pair.

 

-Eva

Lost and found

 

 

    When all this started for me I was about 12 years old. And up until recently I thought it had everything to do with my father, about making him notice me. When I was quite young I would go and visit him ( I lived with my single mother) and he would try to get me to do things that never came up living with my bohemian free-spirited mother, things like making my bed every morning, mountain biking, snowboarding, dressing in neat collared clothing, and thinking logically and sensibly. At the time I was a messy, idealistic, un-focused, chubby, awkward-looking kid with oily skin. Then at some point he just stopped trying, stopped suggesting sports to try, stopped caring if I showed up wearing clothing from the thrift store, and stopped trying to encourage excellence in school. It felt worse than cruelty to me, he had just settled, given up, his chubby passive daughter was never going to change so he gave up and settled. When I was fifteen I moved out from my mother’s to live with my best friend and her family on the West Coast. I was going into grade eleven. Things in my new household were very different from anything I’d known, and my friend’s step-father was a violent drunk, I was in shock and all I wanted was to hear my mother’s voice on the other line of a telephone, hear her me I was on an adventure and I was learning, growing but instead she estranged from me, became suddenly distant. I was alone, I felt. Both my parents had, I wasn’t entirely sure, given up? Abandoned me maybe? This is when I started to drop weight and fast. At first I had no idea it was happening, then people started to notice, my friend’s mother even told my mother she was worried and my mother started calling again. I noticed at this time as well that I was becoming pretty, quite pretty and I’d never been pretty before. Best of all inspired. Then when I got to 98lb my mother moved me back home, I’d only been away for six months. In that time my 5ft 3” self-had gone from 130lb to 98lb. I thought 98lbs was a good weight. After I moved back I only got smaller, the more my mother watched me the more I lost.

Then something happened.

Now this is where I get lost as to place in the world of eating disorders, I had been called and told I was Anorexic countless times, and yes I was, and still am, Deathly Afraid of gaining weight, but I knew I had gotten a bit too thin. Getting to my ultimate low point I was scared of my own face in the mirror and could not shower with the light on (actually I still can’t shower with the light on but for different reasons). I was afraid I was going to die. I cried all the time. And so I gained weight, and it was hell. One moment desperate to gorge myself with food, fearing death, and the next moment overtaken with dread at the thought of gaining a pound, but gain weight I did. When I got back up to 98lb I found joy, I really did, I was happy there at that weight which is confusing and contradictory to the label so many people had slapped on me; Anorexic. I have a point where I don’t want to go lower.  

It is as though I am lost at lower or higher places and it is only at this point that I am found.

So what am I then?

Yes it is

 

Hello I’m Eva,

 

Yes this is a blog about food, numbers, measurements, the beauty of will-power, and the elegance ofsharp lines. This blog I am starting to keep myself accountable and on the path of my goals and to get what I need to out of my head as I re-create what I essentially left behind in high school (with the exception of a couple of ultimately fleeting slender moments since). In my high school days I was the incredible slender one, my will-power was outstanding and I was more motivated and inspired about life, and the world then I have ever been. Since then I have seen and felt both ends and I know which one I thrive on, and so I’m re-creating what once I was.

 

This blog will be my journey- I am not trying to promote this to Anyone-Else, Anywhere-Else, Ever, Never .Period. End of story. This is a personal journey and I’m going to try to stay as positive as I can. Like I said I’m not promoting this, but if you’re on a similar path or can relate and would like to follow, feel free.

 



-Eva