not supposed to happen

         Last night was my last shift serving at my job before I move away. I was not intending nor planning on it, but afterwards I had drinks with some particularly lovely co-workers, I had too many. Last night I got drunk and I messed up. I really messed up.

  As a rule I do not drink. I don’t for a couple of reasons: for one the added intake (not to mention sugar) is just awful and secondly and most importantly because when I get drunk I binge. I binge badly and not normally (if there is a “normal” way to binge) something happens and binge without being at all aware of what’s happening or what I’m doing. When I wake up usually an utter mess- as almost ANY liquor completely devastates my body. I feel full and filled with absolute dread with what I’ve done. As I do not remember what or how much I shovelled my mouth with in my state of drunken blindness, I have to put the pieces together by discovering the chip crumbs on the counter, the once half-full yogurt carton in the sink (not fat-free and definitely not sugar-free), a wrapper from a cheese stick, the empty bag of goldfish crackers in the garbage (I have no idea how many were left)…

That was not supposed to happen.

 I’m driving with my new roommate and my mother the day after tomorrow, the day after tomorrow is moving day- I’ve set myself back so much. Repulsive. Is perhaps the most accurate way to sum up my state of mind. Drowning in self-made sea of repulse. That was not supposed to happen.

I have been making the transition from a mostly vegan diet I’ve followed for years to a completely stern vegan one, but my drunk-self clearly didn’t remember the rules.

 I need something very strict, to get me out of this place. I plan on starting the master cleanse tomorrow- one with very controlled maple syrup consumption (I am driving out in my mother’s car and she will be driving, therefore It will not matter if I am less alert or awake due to the cleanse). I tend to struggle with the idea of taking in maple syrup like that, but it has worked for me before- I lose and fast too. It also seems a total body cleanse is a good idea right now, as I plan to go back to my diet I slipped out of this past winter, that being vegan and absolutely no processed foods of any kind.  

I have definitely not taken out my scale, but I did I take my measurements today, and to my dismay they were slightly larger than the last time I took them (which was on the last cleanse I did). I will list them here:

 

Bust: 34”

Waist: 25”

Hips: 31.5”

Thigh: 19.5”

This is not OK. I need to lose straight and fast.

Dear followers,

The support you have given me even thus far in is something amazing, something I appreciate so much. I look forward to showing you the same support on all of your own journeys.

 

-Eva