A needed update

First let me say my absence was longer than expected, that is for sure. It was a big move and I was without internet access for a couple of weeks. As happens with most moves, there was a lot of re-adjustment and I am still figuring out all these pieces of daily life and routine and putting them into some sort of order, or place at least. I have lived here before so things are falling into place more easily than they would have been if that had not been the case and I had no connections.

As far as eating things have been up and down. I did not successfully follow through with the lemonade cleanse, concealing the evidence of the cleanse while traveling next to someone in a car proved to be difficult, too difficult. However I have started the cleanse today. In this city I feel a renewed sense of determination.

There has not been much food in the new house between me and my new roomie, and no junk, which is ideal. However I don’t feel I have not been that restrictive with the little food we do have in house. And I was drinking quite a bit of wine the first week here, with so little food in the house there really is not that much of an opportunity to binge, but I did end up scarfing down a cinnamon bun I bought for my roommate in a state of tipsiness. All the more reason to Cleanse big. I feel the need to re-create and establish structure and solid regime. I fit into my old pants which is a start gives me something to hold onto at least, but they are tight and they were loose, quite loose last summer. I have set a date for a weigh-in: Tuesday April 30^th. I know that is a little ways away, but it gives me just enough time to lose a chunk if I focus and not enough time to hesitate or delay.

I am currently catching up on all of your blogs, and I will be much more consistent now. I hope you are all well!

 

-Eva

not supposed to happen

         Last night was my last shift serving at my job before I move away. I was not intending nor planning on it, but afterwards I had drinks with some particularly lovely co-workers, I had too many. Last night I got drunk and I messed up. I really messed up.

  As a rule I do not drink. I don’t for a couple of reasons: for one the added intake (not to mention sugar) is just awful and secondly and most importantly because when I get drunk I binge. I binge badly and not normally (if there is a “normal” way to binge) something happens and binge without being at all aware of what’s happening or what I’m doing. When I wake up usually an utter mess- as almost ANY liquor completely devastates my body. I feel full and filled with absolute dread with what I’ve done. As I do not remember what or how much I shovelled my mouth with in my state of drunken blindness, I have to put the pieces together by discovering the chip crumbs on the counter, the once half-full yogurt carton in the sink (not fat-free and definitely not sugar-free), a wrapper from a cheese stick, the empty bag of goldfish crackers in the garbage (I have no idea how many were left)…

That was not supposed to happen.

 I’m driving with my new roommate and my mother the day after tomorrow, the day after tomorrow is moving day- I’ve set myself back so much. Repulsive. Is perhaps the most accurate way to sum up my state of mind. Drowning in self-made sea of repulse. That was not supposed to happen.

I have been making the transition from a mostly vegan diet I’ve followed for years to a completely stern vegan one, but my drunk-self clearly didn’t remember the rules.

 I need something very strict, to get me out of this place. I plan on starting the master cleanse tomorrow- one with very controlled maple syrup consumption (I am driving out in my mother’s car and she will be driving, therefore It will not matter if I am less alert or awake due to the cleanse). I tend to struggle with the idea of taking in maple syrup like that, but it has worked for me before- I lose and fast too. It also seems a total body cleanse is a good idea right now, as I plan to go back to my diet I slipped out of this past winter, that being vegan and absolutely no processed foods of any kind.  

I have definitely not taken out my scale, but I did I take my measurements today, and to my dismay they were slightly larger than the last time I took them (which was on the last cleanse I did). I will list them here:

 

Bust: 34”

Waist: 25”

Hips: 31.5”

Thigh: 19.5”

This is not OK. I need to lose straight and fast.

Dear followers,

The support you have given me even thus far in is something amazing, something I appreciate so much. I look forward to showing you the same support on all of your own journeys.

 

-Eva

bone road

Now it’s back to the grind.

   This winter was like non other, a complete rational devastation. As if a thick un-moveable mental fog rolled in; a dense greasy fog with an unforgivable grip. A haze of delusion, the delusion that food, and not just food but chips, bread, juice, sweets, cheese, flavored yogurt and peanut butter (pure evil in a glass gar) were O.K. Ok? … OK if you’d like to gain TEN pounds- and that is sadly, just what happened. So now I am around eight pounds heavier (as I have lost a few of those pounds in the last couple of weeks) then I was last summer and about fifteen pounds from where I’d like to be- and then we'll see, maybe I'll lose more, but that is my aim right now; lose fifteen pounds. I’m making educated guesses as I refuse to weigh myself until I know I’ve lost a good chunk of weight. I am in the process of a big move, a move to a new house, a new roommate, a new city, and a province over, and cannot afford potentially wasted time spent in the hospital on account  of a panic attack or hiding in bed wanting nothing more than to die as a result of a weigh-in right now. I will set a weigh-in date down the road…

-This was a dramatic post, I am not always this dramatic (I just needed to pound this into my head, make it click) – I really find level-headed is the best way to go about restricting in Karolina’s (Lina be 93)* words:

 “Lose weight straight and fast, unapologetically, unthinkingly.”   

 

This is exactly what will be done. Lose weight straight and fast. Straight and fast, unthinkingly.

Back to the grind, back down bone road.  

 

*I find endless inspiration from this blog and although she has not recently posted (I hope she is well) I still visit her blog if I’m in need to sum-up some strength and or grow- a-pair.

 

-Eva